When I started this website, and these posts, I wanted to be honest about things. I wanted to be helpful, and I wanted to be, open. I feel that I owe all of you an apology, because lately, my head has been on a trip.

It has not been a very pleasant one. I feel very lost, very afraid, and very confused.

The man I am, had been called into question, in a fashion that, I am being honest here, I could not deal with. I am still having trouble with it. It brought some things to the surface that I had thought, I had dealt with, and resolved, but apparently, that was not the case.

I am making no excuses for my actions, they were mine entirely, and the fault lies here with me.

I started this website to introduce you to me, and to my writing that I love to do. I did it because I do love writing, and I wanted to finally take that chance and be exposed, and open, and see what happened. As I did though, my world changed, and along with it, my head.

My PTSD stems from nearly 12 years of continued physical, emotional, and mental abuse. It was a daily event. It was ritualistic in its execution, and torturous on its impact. The recent events in my life, brought all of that back with a vengeance, and hit me harder than any other thing I had experienced in my life. My head, went somewhere it has not been in many, many years, and in doing so, the man I had become, returned to the child I had been.

I could not write. I could not sleep. I don’t eat. I don’t smile. My walls and barriers are trying to build up around me, and I am fighting  as hard as I can to not let that happen again. I don’t want to lose myself, but I have been. The survivor in me, took over, and lashed out. He struck back against everything around him in defense, trying to give me enough room to deal with things, and I am making no excuses for my actions, he did things that the man I am would not do. I said horrible things to people I love. I pushed away friends, making excuses to get away from them. And to someone I love more than anything in the world, I shot horrible, venomous, words at her, meant to inflict pain like I felt.

This is not who I am. And again, I do however accept the blame. It is mine.

I would like to apologize to all who have been following my posts, for the lack of them lately. I am trying to work on that. To my friends that have been there for me, please accept my apologies. To her. I cannot say I am sorry enough. I am a good man, but my actions have been horrible. I am truly sorry.

I will get myself under control, just please be patient. I am trying my damnedest, and I will succeed.

Admit your mistakes. Enjoy what you do.