Recently, PTSD reared its ugly head in my life once again, and just to make it more obnoxious, it brought along depression.

According to government statistics, “About 8 million adults will suffer from PTSD in their lives”.

According to the World Health Organiztion, “About 350 million people suffer from Depression. Women are more likely to suffer from Depression then men).

When the PTSD returned, it caught me by surprise. I had been beating it. I don’t need help. I had won. No, not quite. The event that occurred to trigger the return was completely unexpected, and when it happened, PTSD started kicking my ass, letting me know it was not quite done with me.

The PTSD hit me harder than I thought it would, but having come back so strongly, it did things to me that I did not expect. The anxiety you feel from PTSD is hard enough to deal with, the need to move, to guard, or protect one’s self from the world around you, is extremely difficult to handle under ideal conditions. Sometimes that need extends to those around you, and your need to protect them, is not a desire, or a want. It is truly a NEED. When you cannot do that, that NEED becomes very hostile, and directs itself back at you.

My, motivation to protect, is something I worked very hard on, trying to become a better man. My, motivation to protect those I love, goes into a realm well beyond this. Add the protection of those I love, to PTSD, and you have a living hell coming your way. At that point, move out of my way, because I am a Walking War, and I AM bringing hell with me.

Depression is a very tricky, deceitful, shadowy condition, that can hang in the background without you noticing it. Not even aware of its power, you do not notice it, as it starts placing little things on you. What you notice is that Weight. It can be very modest at times, adding a little here, a little there, until you realize that something is not right. That is when it tricks you, by pointing, and saying “That is the cause”, and it lets you focus on that “thing”, whatever it may be, meanwhile, continuing to add more Weight.

That Weight, gets annoying. Like a bully that pokes at you, it starts the little pokes as it adds more Weight, and your mood turns. The more Weight, and the more often it pokes, your mood gets darker, sadness sets in, and before you realize what happened, you are unhappy, tired of the “things” in your life. You snap at friends, yell at your dog, or other actions, that you would not normally take, become a constant. And that Weight grows.

Many people that have depression, try and ignore it, or play it off like it is not a real concern, and tend to get tunnel vision about it. They focus, right here, but their peripheral vision does not see what else is happening in the areas around them. Loved ones, however, get to see it for themselves.

I have had small bouts of depression over the years, from this or that event, but they have been small bouts. The one that entered with PTSD however, was something else. The Weight was dropped from a skyscraper, and then the skyscraper had collapsed on me. Feelings of doubt, remorse, fear, sadness, and unworthiness flooded in, overwhelming me quickly.

When the two came together, it was like someone slammed my face in a bucket of cocaine, shot me full of Adrenalin, then handed me a pen and said, “Now draw a perfectly straight line, or everything around you, dies”. To someone like me, or to anyone I imagine, the effect is rather terrifying.

These conditions are bad enough on their own, and many people with these conditions, both PTSD and Depression, avoid confronting them, or even acknowledging that there is a problem. Avoiding the condition, the effects it has on the person, on those around them, becomes a habit of its own, with phrases like, “It’s not that bad”, “I have it under control”, “I don’t need help”, or the infamous, “I am fine”.

Acts, or questions from loved ones to help address whatever is bothering that person, (because they do not know what you are going through unless you can say), are often taken in the wrong manner. The mention from a loved one is never intended in this manner. It is mentioned out of caring, and concern. The person with the condition can think that you are, “Throwing it in their face”, because you know about it, or that if it spoken aloud, that it becomes this huge elephant in the room, that makes them the target of judgement from others.

I am one of these people. I do not like admitting that I have PTSD. Those that do not understand it, always look at you when they find out. Like you are going to snap at any moment, and start twitching in a corner with crazy eyes and a knife.

The worst times for me, is coming out of surgery. I have had a lot of them. Recovery Nurses, (thank you ladies), spot people with PTSD, like a vulture spots a dead animal. It is immediate. When you come out of the state you are in, confusion is heavily present. When you look around and can see no loved ones, or familiar faces, PTSD takes over. Me? Panic and anxiety overload my system, followed by this absolute fear, that triggers more primal instincts and I start swinging. I usually warn the Recovery Nurses ahead of time, and warn them not to put me in restraints, (makes it ten times worse for me).

I do not like admitting that I have PTSD. I do not like admitting it. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel uneasy, and nervous. Admitting it, makes me want to stalk off into the shadows…

But, I CAN admit it. I can address it.

To those having any trouble along these lines, be it admitting it, confronting it, or dealing with it…

You have the strength to do this. You can do this.

Enjoy what you do.