I am claustrophobic.

Now, combine this with PTSD.

See my issue?

I have a very good idea of where the problem stems from, but it does not seem to help alleviate the problem. My fear on spaces, is escape, and restriction. I find that I have to know where doors, or exits of any type are, (this includes windows for me to go through if needed, or poorly constructed walls). I find that I also have to know the conditions of an area or space, to find out if there will be anything that causes restriction, or restraint, or has the potential to.

If I happen to wrap myself too tightly in blankets during the night, I tend to panic, lose my mind, and thrash about until I realize I am in bed, or they loosen up. Wearing t-shirts for the first time, I pull on the neck until the stitching pops, so it does not feel like it’s grabbing at me. And in case you are wondering, yes. If you grab my neck, fully expect me to blast you in the face. I have been working on this particular one for a while, and I am getting better about it, but sometimes it just comes around.

I hate closed doors.

Especially, when I am alone.

Doors are a barrier. Doorways, are a portal between spaces. When you close a door, you cut space, separating it from one large space, into two smaller spaces. The more doors that are closed, the smaller the space becomes. I do not mind small areas, as long as I cannot touch two walls, or barriers. If I can, forget it.

Now the problem becomes, the other side of that door. I have to know. I have to know what the condition of the door, room, or space, is.

Is it obstructed? If I need to move quickly, what is the footing like? Will it slow me down? By how much? Is the window locked? How long does it take to unlock it? Can it be done quietly if needed? Is it a double pane window or not? What speed do I need to be moving at to go through it? Will the footing of that space prevent me from doing that? What is the risk of injury from going through it? Can I continue to function at an acceptable level from the injury should it be required?

Solution?

Open the damn doors!

Sounds easy right?

I have been stuck in this space for a very long time. I know there is a portal to a larger space somewhere, but I cannot find the door, because someone closed it.

How do you open a door you can’t find?

Enjoy what you do.