There are times when we must do something so, horrific, in our own minds, that the thought, makes us physically sick.

Mine was yesterday.

I said something, that…

I said something, that was meant to push someone away from me, and possibly towards another. The reason for this is simple, at least to me. The depth of my feelings would never be understood, at least, not now. And they would not be returned, and after yesterday, they probably will never speak to me in a fashion apart from the necessary. So I said what needed to be said, wrote what needed to be written, then cried for my soul.

Forgiveness.

I have always held a single shot rule on slights made toward me. Everyone gets one. That’s it. Now, I realize, more than anything, it was Me, that I was holding that rule for. If you could go do whatever, then I was the one who should not be allowed to interfere. Because my happiness, was not as important as those around me. I held it close, disguised as a judgement that could not be overturned, and used it to protect myself from more pain from happening in the future, by that same person.

I was doing something, that I try to never do to friends. I was lying, but I was lying to myself. I was doing it to not only protect myself, but also so that I felt I had a measure of control over the conditions of my life.

When I started this, I swore that I would try and be as honest as I could when putting up these posts. Now, I’m pissed at myself for exposing this much of me, and being this vulnerable. I’m pissed because I wanted share this with someone.

I also realized that, I have nothing. When I say nothing, I do not mean that entirely. Yes, there are people in my life, and things, but nothing as in, something that was truly me. Something, anything, Me. I realized that, this is why I have held onto my writing so long. It was me. It was made by me, for me. It was something I enjoyed. Something created by me, with pride. Something that had my heart in it. Something that had my soul in it. Something made from my own love. Something made from my love, that I wanted to share with other people to see if they enjoyed it also.

I also wanted to share it with someone very special to me. To show them what they allowed me to do. To let them know, it was because of them, that I was able to do this. To return to them, the depths of love and emotions, they had given me.

Now, I will never be able to show them, to let them understand, what depths my feelings for them go.

Forgiveness.

I said other things instead. I said things to make them angry, and to show them, that they were better off, without me. I said it because… Well, you know why.

When they find the joy they need, there will be a little solace in that. And though I can forgive them…

I will never be able to forgive myself.

Enjoy what you do.