When you are beaten for most of your life, your sense of self becomes very clouded.

What is wrong with me?

What did I do?

Why am I this way?

Physically, it can take a toll on you that you truly do not understand, or even realize, until much later in life. In some cases, its effects can show up years later, without you even understanding where they had come from. The body can absorb a lot of damage. The effects of that damage can show up later, in the form of surgeries, pain, and aches that no longer go away.

Mentally, when it is happening, the mind looks for defensive mechanisms to protect itself. Your mind will grab things, and hold them close, and if you are lucky enough to understand that you need to do this, you can direct it towards ideals, or beliefs, that will benefit you later.

The Samurai.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a ninja. They are bad-ass, they can destroy their enemies quickly, quietly, and then get paid for it. Come on! It’s a ninja!

Later, I looked toward the warrior poets, and those of that type of nature. The Samurai grabbed me at a level of understanding that seemed, Right. It wasn’t the actual Samurai themselves, because not all samurai were nice, it was the Idea behind them. The goal, that they had set, to try and live by. Bushido.

Along with this came my views of starting to look toward the world around me, seeing what I did not like about it, and working toward being something that was decent, fair, honest, and moved away from the impersonal things that have come into our world.

One major part of this was the idea of the Retainer and the Ronin. The Retainer, (samurai), lives only to die, in the service of another. The one they took service under, was because that person was worth it in some form or another. The Ronin, (samurai without a lord), fascinated me. The Idea of a man searching for one worthy enough to earn his duty. Because, to me, this is the greatest honor you can bestow on someone. Telling them that, your entire being of worth, is theirs. That, as high as you hold your own value, (which to me, mine is very high. I have earned it through living how I have), they are worth you, and more.

Over the years, I searched and drew from those I met, the things I had seen, or experienced, and the harshness of the world in which we live. Out of this came my belief, my very own Bushido. My very own, Way. The experiences of my childhood, the horrid things in my life, the worst people around, the blood, the violence, the horrible things I did, to others and myself, the things that were positive, the love I found, the beautiful things that were in the world, and being able to care, all of it mattered. All of it became, my Way.

With this, Way, firmly grasped and understood, I aimed it toward life. Over time, through a great many struggles, set backs, and defeats, I have stuck to this Way. And it showed me that being honorable, decent, and able to care for someone else, and being able to love a woman, had been the right choice. I am not saying I am a saint. Not by a long shot, but I did the best that I could, and I had thought because of this, that the pain I suffered through, would pay off if I followed my Way.

One day, something new happened. It came through in a fashion that shocked me.

My son, very young at the time, was suddenly quiet. Parents, you know what kind of quiet I am talking about, that quiet that tells you they are doing something. When I went looking, I found him in the kitchen with an open jar of peanut butter. It was all over the floor, the walls, the fridge, and him.

I became so angry, that I wanted to hit him.

A child. And I wanted to strike him.

The impulse was horrific, immediate, and the final thing I needed to absolutely solidify, my Way.

Instead, I sat down on the floor and smiled at my son. I ran my finger through the peanut butter on his stomach and drew a smiley face. I drew them all over the floor as he giggled. Later, as I cleaned up the peanut butter from everything, and I mean everything, each wiped I did, anchored the final version of this Way. Three beliefs came forth that day, and became the blood, of my Way.

1. My kids will never grow up the way I did.
2. I will show those I love, that I do love them. I will not be embarrassed about this, or hold back when I do.
3. Those I love will never have to question it.

Theses are only a fraction of my Way.

Life has never been one to give me a break, without costing me somehow.

I believe myself to be a decent, lovable, happy person, who loves without restraint, and values the Retainer and Ronin in myself because of what it has given me.

I am a Samurai.

I am a Ronin.

I have been told recently, by quite a few people, that not only is this way of living, not done anymore, it is not understood.

I have been told that, these beliefs, these values, do not have a place in the modern world.

I have been told that, these beliefs, and myself, have huge faults.

I have been told that I come across as not nice. That people see me as not nice.

I have been told to not fight for something I love.

I have been told that I failed in showing that love.

I have been told that I failed in showing who I am.

Metaphorically, I have been told to break my swords. To let go and seek another life. To not try. To not try and show who I am, because it does not matter, that I have no chance. To become the Monk.

I have always believed that the things important to you in life, are worth fighting for, no matter the cost to you. It does not matter what happens to you, if you are not willing to fight for it.

So, this is where you come in;

Share this with your friends. writebutwrong on Facebook comments are open.

I want/need your feed back. A very simple way of this. You read it, you share it, you tell your friends about it.

Then, you decide…

Share it with as many people as you can.

If I, the Samurai/Ronin, belief that the things important to you in life, are worth fighting for, no matter the cost to you, is what you think, make a comment on Facebook or the post and say “Samurai/Ronin” and Like the post.

If you think I should break my swords, do not Like the post, but comment and say “Break the Swords”.

In the meantime, I will watch and wait. Thank you everyone that participates.

Enjoy what you do.